Dear Sirs,

It has come to my attention that you have again entirely overlooked my contributions to the great stock of humanity’s ideas in favour, no doubt, of honouring the work of some derivative, European foppe. This despite considerable, factual evidence that my work is perhaps the cornerstone of the collective identities of many of the largest and most prominent social groups in the United States of America, and throughout the world.

To summarise in brief the contribution for which I believe I should be recognised: I am the secretive cabal of Freemasons, Jews, Illuminati and Communists responsible for the production and publication of all the (paradoxically) secret and (surprisingly easily) revealed plans for the overthrow of the constitution and the establishment of a New World Order. Through my work, the meaningless lives and absurd deaths of tens of millions of the world’s most surplus citizens have been given meaning, albeit in a paranoid, alienating, and ultimately futile form.

Given my nature as a cabal- by definition a secretive, amorphous conspiracy against the public- it is difficult for even myself to say for certain when my work began. Among my most notable early accomplishments was The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, a work that by the universal agreement of 20th Century historians was of the profoundest nature and consequence for our civilisation.

This built on the ideas set forth in my first youthful forays into the genre, such as my 1797 work, Memoirs Illustrating the History of Jacobinism. The profoundly spiritual concept underlying the work: that there is, and will remain eternally, an ineffable, driving force behind the Fate of Man, and that this force has a definite (and malign) plan, has in fact been the most essential concept of the whole of my thinking. I do not think that I exaggerate too greatly if I say that it both draws on, and makes an original contribution to, the enduring historical pantheon of ideas, among such notable concepts as the Manichean struggle between good and evil, and the tension and harmony between the yin and yang of the tao.

But it is not merely in my ideas that I have contributed to, and in fact shaped the thought of humankind. It is also through my significant innovations in the forms and techniques of modern literature that I have made an enduring contribution.

You will notice, sirs, that it is many decades since I can cite a prominent publication of mine… in the traditional sense. But it has been I, first and foremost, among the major literary writers of our time, who have embraced the new dawn of the internet-age, and pioneered the literary forms that will characterise it.

I can point to no single website, or article, or even forum or e-mail to show my contribution. My work is not listed in the 7,020,000 results that Google returns for “illuminati;” my work is the Google search that returns 7,020,000 results for “illuminati” (and mounting; I am an artist, and my work is never complete!).

I attach here no bibliography of any kind. My poetry is in the fevered sweat on the lonely brow of the desperate obsessive; my prose is in the scarred earth of the mass-graves of Eurasia.

I am yours sincerely,

[Name withheld for commercial reasons]