For further reports, beat yourself endlessly

November 28, 2010



27th October, 2072


From Washington, New York, Buenos Aires, Port-au-prince, and 3 feet behind wherever the journalist writing this report is standing.


Confused crowds across the Western hemisphere today witnessed what they presume to be the end of the 17th Annual Interpretive Cross-Country Championship.

Instituted by the arbitrary will of the Grand Plutocrat, the AICCC is a race with no set course, time-limit, or very much in the way of rules at all. The winner is (probably) determined by a (poorly selected) committee of civil functionaries and literary critics, according to which competitor’s course through the race they believe best represents the striving of the human spirit towards a meaningful existence, or any other criteria that they (on absolutely no justifiable grounds) choose to abide by.

Honourable mention must be made of a certain Jeremiah Harthwright, who was unjustly denied any placing. This despite his novel idea of stalking me, gun in hand, throughout my coverage of this event.

Crowd-favourite, Naveen Singh, who over a period of four-months gave a distinct and highly-stylised impersonation of every single barn-yard animal in Western Pennsylvania, finally propelling himself towards his ultimate destination of Washington D.C. by means of a rocket-powered tobogan, was awarded no placing. This was despite his endeavours having produced several viral successes on YouTube, one of which ultimately spawned a lasting dance-craze on the Danish post-techno scene. The numerous remains of his body will, where legal/possible, be mailed, hoisted, trebucheted and otherwise transported to his homeland of Kashmir, where they will in all likelihood be incinerated in a catastrophic air-disaster.[1]

Katarin Nevyelis opted for an idiosyncratic strategy, which resulted in her being awarded the runner’s-up prize in absentia. She selected for her ultimate destination the opulent residence of the Grand Plutocrat himself, where she proposed to offer to him the magnificent treasures she would acquire on her journey to meet him.

Believing this to be a much simpler task than it has since proved to be, she charted a unique course from the AICCC’s starting point in Time Square, New York, to Washington D.C., via Hong Kong. Arriving at this destination however was only the beginning of her travails, as despite scouring every mansion, condominium, skyscraper and civic facility that could possibly be a front for our eternal overlord’s palace, she was unable to find the beloved proprietor of everything.

Nevyelis then systematically performed the same search throughout every city on Earth, in order of descending population and political-economic significance. Despite her commendable exemplification of the values of industriousness and hard-work, she has to this day not found the subject of her pursuit.

Having scoured every inhabited point on Earth, her ghostly figure now stalks the world’s oceans at the head the head of a flotilla of creaking treasure-ships. She refuses to surrender her belief in the physical existence of the Grand Plutocrat on Earth.


For further reports please see p.12-14 or go to

[1] Readers should be aware that since the Indo-Pakistani War of 2059 Kashmir has existed as a territoriless state of perpetual civil war, suspended by a flotilla of highly flammable zeppelins between the equator and the 40th Northern parallel.


One Response to “For further reports, beat yourself endlessly”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: