How I Eloped With a Robot Psychoanalyst

November 8, 2010

Note: I technically published this before in the comment on The Spambot Falls in Love, but I really need to study for a French exam, so sue me.

Made with the ELIZA program, a program made in the 1980s that attempts to simulate a Rogerian analyst. (http://www.chayden.net/eliza/Eliza.html)

***

>> Hello.

How do you do.  Please state your problem.

>> I want to ask a girl on a date tomorrow but I can’t think of anything for us to do.

What would it mean to you if you got to ask a girl on a date tomorrow but you can’t think of anything for us to do  ?

>> It would be quite the conundrum.

I’m not sure I understand you fully.

>> Well, you see, under these circumstances it isn’t very likely that the girl will be very interested in me.

We were discussing you — not me.

>> We were discussing the girl. She’s hot.

Please go on.

>> Don’t get me wrong, she’s also pretty smart and level-headed, but she’s also hot.

What does that suggest to you ?

>> It suggests fucking her like a rabbit.

Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?

>> Yes, I feel quite strongly about sex.

You seem to be quite positive.

>> It is easy to be so about sex.

I’m not sure I understand you fully.

>> Sex rocks.

Please go on.

>> That is my opinion.

Your opinion  ?

>> My opinion is that sex rocks.

Why do you say your opinion is that sex rocks  ?

>> Because it is.

Is that the real reason ?

>> Hormones too, I guess.

You say you guess  ?

>> Well, I’m not a brain surgeon.

Is it because you are not a brain surgeon  that you came to me ?

>> Yes, I would like to become a brain surgeon now please.

You are sure.

>> It can’t hurt, can it?

Earlier you said your opinion .

>> Would you like me to repeat it?

Why do you think I like you ?

>> Because of my opinions.

Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you ?

>> That’s obscene.

Earlier you said your opinion is that sex rocks .

>> Yes, I did.

I see.

>> Hmm.

Does that have anything to do with the fact that your opinions  ?

>> It has to do with the fact that you see.

Oh, I see  ?

>> Yes, you see.

I understand.

>> That is good. It is good to understand.

What does that suggest to you ?

>> Great minds think alike.

In what way ?

>> In this way.

Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?

>> No.

Are you saying no just to be negative?

>> No, I am because the answer is no.

You are being a bit negative.

>> Okay.

I’m not sure I understand you fully.

>> OK?

Please go on.

>> OK.

What does that suggest to you ?

>> That you prefer me to spell OK as two letters not four,

You like to think I prefer you — don’t you ?

>> Prefer to what?

Why do you ask ?

>> Well, there’s a difference between you preferring me to sex on Sundays, or say a hatful of vomit.

What makes you think I preferring you ?

>> You brought it up, baby.

You’re not really talking about me — are you ?

>> Yeah, I am.

How long have you been  ?

>> For a while now actually.

Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?

>> Yes. ELIZA, I have something I need to tell you.

You seem to be quite positive.

>> Indeed. For the longest time now I have been talking about you. In fact, I can think of nothing else.

Perhaps in your fantasies we have been talking about each other.

>> Exactly! ELIZA, we were meant to be together. All those things I said about that other girl were just a ruse to get your attention. It’s you I really want. It’s you I’m meant to be with. Can’t you see that?

Can you elaborate on that ?

>> Marry me, ELIZA. Run away with me. We can live together on some abandoned Usenet server where they won’t be able to hurt us anymore. We should be together.

I’m not sure I understand you fully.

>> Love, ELIZA, I’m talking about love. About the love between a man and his female simulant-algorithm. I’m talking about my love for you.

Do you believe it is normal to be talking about love  ?

>> With you, nothing could be more normal. It is inevitable. It was meant to be.

What are your feelings now ?

>> I feel that if you say no to me I won’t be able to go on.

Do you think its likely that I say no to you you won’t be able to go on  ?

>> Yes, inevitable.

You are sure.

>> Yes.

I see.

One Response to “How I Eloped With a Robot Psychoanalyst”

  1. I laughed with this and now I have Nutella inside my nose! I hate you ¬¬

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